Over the past few days, I found myself confronting the parts of my past I had been trying to avoid—financially, emotionally, and energetically. For a long time, I believed that if I trusted the universe enough, certain situations would resolve themselves. But sometimes “everything will work out” becomes a way of bypassing the responsibility to face what is actually happening. In this video, I talk about finally facing the reality of my old business structure, the betrayal and financial consequences connected to my sales horses, and the energetic cost of leaving painful experiences unresolved. I also explore the disorientation of personal growth, learning to sit with activated energy instead of escaping it, and allowing Etephra to evolve into something that reflects where I am now. Spiritual trust doesn’t mean avoiding reality. Sometimes it means meeting reality honestly—and taking the next grounded action.

I’ve spent so much time focused on where I’m trying to go that I’ve created an enormous amount of pressure to make everything I’ve been through worth it. I talk about the fallout from the business, the unexpected gift that came from it in the form of my young horse, and the pressure I’ve put on myself to turn all of it into the life and riding career I’ve imagined. Somewhere along the way, those goals started becoming less about what I genuinely wanted to experience and more about needing a certain outcome to justify everything that happened. I’m starting to recognize how easily that intensity becomes its own cycle: hyperfixating on an outcome creates more density and restriction, which only makes me grip the outcome harder. This is about stepping back from that cycle, appreciating what’s actually in front of me, and returning my attention to my soul’s journey rather than the fantasy I’ve decided it needs to become. Maybe the path I’m trying so hard to force isn’t the path at all—and maybe what unfolds instead could ultimately be more rewarding.

I’m trying to dig myself out of a financial hole while still bracing for everything to fall apart again. The exhaustion of working constantly—and wondering what any of it is actually building toward—has forced me to confront my relationship with lack, overconsumption, debt, and the energetic cost of giving too much of myself away. I reflect on slowing down without abandoning my needs, making short-term sacrifices for long-term stability, and shifting how I approach my student loans. After spending much of my life prioritizing risk and believing I only needed to trust the universe, I’m beginning to see where spiritual messaging can become harmful—and how difficult it is to ask for practical help when I’m not even sure where to begin.

I’ve been noticing more friction in the way I relate to other people—worrying about how my videos will be received, struggling when our standards or priorities feel completely different, and trying to understand why certain relationships suddenly feel so much heavier to navigate. Instead of defaulting to isolation, I’m experimenting with different ways of staying connected without abandoning my own schedule, boundaries, or perspective. I also get into the feeling of being alone in the way I see things, timeline jumping, and my growing awareness of how outside energies and attachments can shape conflict between people.

I’m starting to take a harder look at where my time and energy are actually going—from my lack of consistency with Etephra to the ways I overextend myself, burn out, become resentful, and eventually withdraw. I’m feeling more conviction around improving how I manage my time, not by trying to force more out of myself, but by becoming more conscious of the patterns that make everything harder than it needs to be. I’m also becoming increasingly aware of how much the people around me can influence my internal state. I talk about what I’ve been learning around demonic attachments, recognizing those influences more clearly, and the complicated desire to isolate when protecting my energy starts to feel easier than navigating other people.

I’m starting to see progress in an area that has frustrated me for a long time: work. I reflect on the actions I’ve taken to change that experience, while also confronting my struggles with procrastination and the importance of learning to say no to myself. I also go deeper into my history with Christianity, what led me away from the religion, and how my understanding of spirituality has evolved since. That leads into what I’m currently learning about demonic attachments and the role self-discipline may play in what we allow to influence us.

After starting this one slightly hungover, I reflect on my hatred for alcohol and some of the challenges I’ve been having with filming before getting into the bigger shifts happening in how I approach my life. I talk about the manifestation techniques I actually use, becoming more deliberate with where my energy goes, and recognizing my tendency to over-intellectualize everything instead of allowing change to happen gradually. I also reflect on the moment I realized how much I had lost myself, and why I’m trying to make changes in smaller, more digestible steps rather than attempting to overhaul my life all at once. That’s beginning to shift my focus toward actually enjoying my life, developing more patience, and using less force—even as I continue navigating frustration with work.

I accidentally missed 8/8, which felt ironic considering how much I’ve been reflecting on manifestation lately. I discuss why I stopped trying to manifest specific outcomes, how my intentions have changed, and what that shift looks like in my riding and ongoing frustrations with work. I also get into what I’ve been learning about demonic attachments, experiences with aggression, and the confusion that comes when someone is triggered by your presence. These situations have me thinking more deeply about spiritual dynamics and the energies we encounter in everyday life.

Lately I’ve been paying more attention to where my energy is going and what happens when it gets spread too thin. I reflect on my caffeine habits, struggles coming up in my riding and the intentions I’m setting to improve, alongside the fragmentation I’ve been feeling while trying to manage work and everything else. I also unpack the pedestal I’ve put my job on after it became such a lifeline for me, and look back at past struggles with energy management as I continue learning how to direct my time and attention more intentionally.

A few different things have been coming into focus lately: how far behind I’ve fallen in certain areas of my life, especially my taxes, and how much progress I’ve made in becoming less scattered and more intentional with my time. I also talk about being off from work, my horse’s dental X-rays, and feeling genuinely lucky to be able to show up at a high level again. I reflect on applying lessons from horses to my work, learning time management out of necessity, and starting to meditate simply for the experience. I also dig into the places I’ve been seeking outside validation and the dangers of manifestation content that can quietly reinforce that same pattern.

In this episode, I reflect on the habits I use to seek comfort, the shame that can come with falling back into old patterns, and the areas of my life where I know I can take more responsibility. I talk about struggles with food, time management, and self-destructive behaviors, while trying to shift my focus toward what I can actually change—and learning to be kinder to myself in the process. I also explore how the many identities I’ve held have shaped my self-trust and ability to stay present. As I become reintroduced to who I am now, I’m beginning to see those past versions of myself differently: not just as evidence of instability or things going wrong, but as proof that transformation is possible.

I reflect on coming off a tricky week and realizing that trying to do everything every day has actually been keeping me from getting much done at all. I talk about feeling fragmented, frustrated, and indecisive around my career, along with navigating different communication styles at work. I also get into some perspective shifts sparked by podcasts I’ve been listening to recently and how they’re changing the way I’m looking at where I am right now.

In this episode I discuss my strategy around etephra content and how it keeps changing, including my approach towards editing the monologue I recorded related to my business failures. I touch on my financial stress and challenges with reducing spending, then reflect on insights that came from a recent meditation. Right now I’m working to find motivation to turn my life around and shifting my perspective to feel less scattered.

This was an unplanned episode of etephra driven by the tarot spread that jumped out at me this morning. I dig into reflections from that including: how I'm repeating old patterns, dealing with the expectations of others, and realizing how important energy management is. I revisit some lessons I've learned about energy vampires and how I spot them in my life today.

I dig into a few different things coming up recently; they include how I've been refining my substack process, reflections from being around people after a period of intense isolation, and the challenges I'm facing from balancing riding and work.

In this episode I briefly talk about how I’m determined to finish what I start, navigating the day before going off schedule, and how the stress at work has been impacting my energy. I also touch on the tragic event that occurred: my green aventurine bracelet deciding its time was up.

This is the first episode of etephra! In this one I mostly complain about how tired I am, reflect on the benefits of being back in a training program with my horses, and set the intention to slow myself down. It's a first look at the chaos of my life that we'll keep digging into more.